Thursday, May 27, 2010

My Zen is being tested

I'm trying to be at peace with things right now, but it's becoming incredibly difficult. After watching the Lost finale on Sunday, I have to admit that I've been inspired by something that I didn't thing I would be, a television show. Without spoiling too much about what happened, I will say that for many of the characters, they achieved closure in ways that I don't think they even expected. Did the show answer every burning question, not by a long shot. But giving people inspiration to live their lives in the right way and be themselves, I can't think of a better piece of television that showed what happens when things come together.
I like to think of myself as a thinking person, but last night, my wife indicated to me that I could be wrong in that assertion. And I have to agree that she's probably right as I sit back and think about it. I spend my days in my cubicle farm thinking about a lot of technical stuff and documentation and things that would bore even the most geeky of the geeks, and there are times where I get home and want to not think about anything. It's human in that respect, but at the same point, it's led me to be rather complacent in some aspects of my life. And when I start thinking about my life outside of work at points, it's hard to separate the good parts from the bad, and so it's easier to just think about the minimum amount possible.
Before I met girl, I thought my life was pretty good and I had things sorted, and behold, the person that means the most to you comes in and provides enlightenment and inspiration by showing you that your life could be much more than that. I spent years not believing that line of thinking until it became apparent that like so many other things, I was completely wrong in my assertions. Now I am trying to find some constructive ways to create and stimulate thinking while dealing with some of the negative thoughts that come up.
When you are dealing with trauma or other crap from your past, it's hard to take whatever good parts were from it and separate it from the pain, suffering and complete idiocy of the moment. What I am learning as I get through this journey in making myself better is that it's Ok to stand up for yourself and say what you want out of life and nobody can take that away from you. But the next evolution of that is now taking that and melding it with those around you to find the path to true happiness with someone else.
In some aspects, I'm doing a lot better by being more verbal and communicative, but in other parts, I've still got a lot way to go. But the finale of Lost showed that even the most damaged person can get past the baggage, the frustration, the anguish and find a greater purpose in ways that they couldn't imagine. I've seen the finales of other shows, like MASH, Cosby Show, and Friends, and while they ended in a rather interesting way, I haven't had something sit with me like the end of Lost. I'm actually rather upset that I didn't give this show a chance when it first came out, because I thought it wasn't interesting enough.
But while I go through this process of bettering myself, I see the various hurdles and obstacles that are trying to divert me from the path, and I am trying to see them for the simple annoyances that they are. That's easier said than done, because at some points, human nature says we should try and enact revenge or get back at the person or persons that is causing us pain. But in some respects, that's entirely petty and pointless, and while I'm not going to just sit back and let things happen, there's just some things that will happen and you deal with them the best you can. That's the path to being enlightened, and it's not some crazy hippy way of thinking.
It's keeping yourself under control and realizing what is important to you, and making yourself and others about you happy. And in the complicated things of life it's easy to forget those simple rules because we are all too busy dealing with our own versions of reality and the obstacles presented. There will always be deadlines and stress, but it's important to remember what matters most and what gives us the happiness to be ourselves. And I'm going to try and follow that as best I can. But before I follow down that path, I'm going to give in slightly to the revenge urges and simply pour out some frustrations that I have right now in the hopes that getting them out there will allow them to finally go away.
To the drivers in Portland, FFS pay attention to your driving. I realize that your text conversation, meal, or talking with your friends are important, but I'm tired of nearly being struck on a daily basis simply walking from point A to point B simply because you can't be bothered to pay attention to what you are doing. I'm trying to do my part, but seriously, pay attention. I realize that when I drive, I need to do the same thing, so I'm putting myself in that category.
To the spambots that thought it would be fun to send spam email to my friends and family, I really hope that you are incredibly happy for your antics. Not only did you fail in getting anything sold, but you caused me to completely clean my PC and chat with people I hadn't talked to in a while because they got a strange email from me. Instead of selling your crappy knock offs, you just managed to get me closer to some people near me and have me complete a chore that I hate.
To corporate radio in Portland, you might think you are different and cool, but seriously, this city has some of the worst radio stations around. There is absolutely nothing differentiating most stations from each other unless you enjoy public radio, the bizarre rant channel, incessent talk about the NBA team in town, or R and B tunes. I thought that stations wanted to create an identity, but instead let's pick the 15 or 20 artists that are relatively non threatening and play them ad-naseum in between the same 10 commercials about mortage loans or cash services. It didn't used to be this bad, but apparently, radio listeners here aren't picky.
I love this city overall, but the desire at certain points to be weird and unique, or as they call it "weird" just makes us look like we are trying too hard to be something different. We're ultra cool or hip, and so we can't be bothered with liking what everybody else does. I like the quirk and charm and the fact that this city nurtures some unique ways of life, but at the same point, it's ok to follow the mainstream at points. It's not going to kill us.
I don't expect anything I've just written to change anything, and despite that, I love Portland very much and I'm happy to be here. But I'm learning that it's important to express your feelings, because if you don't let them go, they just sit around and bottle up, which means you might be so focused on them, it's hard to focus on other things. I don't want my blog to become a complete bitch fest either, because we aren't talk radio here either. I think I could take what I learned from LOST and the examples of some dear people to point out the good things in life and look on the bright side of things. It's a small step to enlightenment, but it's a start anyway.

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