Monday, March 10, 2008

Only 4 weeks and counting

Ok, the blog hasn't been touched much because I've been very busy preparing for my upcoming wedding. Really, as of this date, I'm only 26 days away from marrying girl and just over 30 days from heading off to a once in a lifetime trip. I've had lots of people ask me if I'm scared about being married, and honestly I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. I'm still scared out of my mind though.

Let's face it, it's hard enough to get to know someone these days with other people playing games or trying to protect themselves, it's easy to find yourself playing the games back. And then when you truly meet someone that's more worth it than anything, the games don't seem as much important unless you are scared, stupid or clueless. More than 50 percent of people that get married end up divorcing, which doesn't lead to a lot of optimism in the sanctity of the ceremony. You have some conservative groups fighting with everything they have to protect marriage between a man and a woman, and gay/lesbian groups fighting to define a marriage as a contract between two people that want to share the rest of their lives together, regardless of gender. And the world today is crazy, busy, stressful, with people going so fast to be everywhere always that it's hard to stop and slow down. Marriage just means a lot of different things to different people.

And yet, being married is something I'm so ready for. As much as we all want to think that our family and friends are important, it's very different when you have a relationship with someone that gets you more than anyone, who finishes your sentences, who puts up with your flatulence, who infuriates you with some quips, who hugs and cries with you when you need it. Girl came along at a time when my life was going through some turmoil, as I'd just lost my mother to cancer and she was a huge foundation in my life. And the more I got to know girl, the more I knew I wanted her in my life.

I've grown a lot, changed a lot about me. My last name is now my birth name, I've shaved off my beard, I have cats, and a lot of new clothes about. I've started to actually be a responsible adult, owning a car and paying to own a house someday. My purpose in life now is to make her as happy as she makes me, and try not to aggravate her as much as I know I do to her at times. I don't live to work at my job for hours upon hours, but rather work to live and do things that I would prefer doing. I've never wanted this more, and had nothing ever in my life challenge me so much as melding two lives together.

I've also come to the realization that as much as I love my mom, she wasn't close to being a perfect parent. When you lose somebody suddenly, I think you can idolize them and not remember the faults and issues as much. I know exactly what my stepfathers did to me over the years, but my mom contributed to some of my personal scars that need to be patched up. We all have baggage from our past, it's how you deal with it now and in the future that's important. I realize that my dad, for all of his faults, is a good guy and I'm happy to have him in my life, even if he loves skunky beer.

I just know that they would want me to be happy, and I'm truly happy with girl around. As I wake up some mornings and see her sleeping, or see her smile at me from across the room, or give me a hug sometimes for no reason, I know I've made the right choice. I may be scared out of my mind, but I don't think it's due to fear or unwillingness to do this. I see glimpses of the future, and I get excited about what the future holds.

I think I'm scared because as much as I think I'm prepared for all of this, I know that I can't be prepared for everything. No matter what, life is going to throw some challenges at you because life isn't all about happy moments and resolving issues after the commercials. Life is real, scary sometimes, and frightening at points. But it can be exhilarating, intoxicating, and joyous, too. You sort of need to jump in with both feet and go for it sometimes. So for me, this is my jump into the deep end. I'm not entirely sure what the future holds, but I know the ride is going to be fun because I have the love of my life at my side. I love you, girl, and always will.

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